How to Be a Successful MLM King

I am all against MLM from day one. People who know me will do their so-called business on my back and never one of them offer me any sort of MLM business scam as they know how strong I felt about the dumbness of it all. Here, I would list a number of “secrets” that you might follow in order to be a successful MLM King.

1. Make people who belittle you as losers: Say that they are negative jealous fuckers who cannot stand your whole lot of damn money. They can’t stand your shining Merc and glittering fucking diamonds. They are pessimistic negative, backward, stupid fuckers. Also insist that you and your lot are the most brilliant brats around, you have a list of fucking objectives in your life (all clearly and objectively stated with due date to boot) and you are using every single moment of your life to generate extra fucking income.

2. Makkah is my objective: Don’t all the scam use religion to make it all less scam-ish? Use your religion and use the sensitivities of the people to garner you extra religious point. Like Mawi. Tell them that you want to perform hajj before 30 or whatever fuck else. Use your religion as you like so that people will symphatize and in no time they will write a check of RM2000 for your nano fucking technology water filter. Or even better, they will ‘support’ your all good intention to perform hajj by signing a personal loan form from Bank Rakyat for RM20000 (only RM180/month for 20 years).

3. Use your fucking Malayness: Another sensitive issue. Talk about ‘perjuangan bangsa’ or whatever fuck else. Garner extra point for race sentiment. Say ‘inshaAllah’ in every sentence, say alhamdulillah just like in point number 2. Malays’ hearts will be soft when they hear these words. When you utter these words so often you are technically their ‘calon menantu’ already.

4. Shine your Merc: If you have one, shine them. I’ll just say ‘fuck you’.

5. Sell your coffee for RM200: Freaking stupid idiot. No matter now good your coffee is, it can’t worth that much. Even the weasel coffee which made from coffee beans collected from civet excrement is not that expensive.

6. Or better, don’t sell anything: Who cares right? Even if there is no product just say that you have a box of diamonds or 100000 goats somewhere around Gurun or Bongek. Seriously, who fucking cares?

7. Get a goatee, or ‘tudung bawal’: (back to point 2 and 3)

8. Get a credibility: Tell people that your company is a listed company somewhere in Vanuatu or Palau. Say that your company is now doing extremely good and will be listed in the Bursa next year.

9. Get a connection: Say that the ‘sahabat sultan’ is the one who brought the whole fuck of MLM to Malaysia. Remember, connection with datuks is not cool anymore, associate yourself with the sultans now.

10. Say how excellent and how revolutionary is the scheme: Just talk about the new business venture. How revolutionary! This is the dawn of a new world.

If you have done number 1 till 10, technically you are half through to be a great MLM king, multilevel marketer, agent water fiter (with nanotechnology), bra kurus and whatever else. Congratu-fucking-lation.