I have been living as a thin boy, I was chubby when I was very little but all the baby fat was gone long before my school years. I was thin throughout. Very thin in fact.
When people ask, ‘Which Azrul?’ the answer would be about thinness and tallness. That would most often be the case. That’s my quality, my characteristics that people will know me.
Then one day, this year, I realised that there were some bulge above my belt. I was like “Fuck! I am fat!”. When you run your fingers from the crotch up, it should not be any bulge. Even if you have one, it should not be above the belt. That would be outrageously too much.
I told almost everybody about the fucking bulge. I just could not stand it. When you sit, you have to really, really sit straight up or else the bulge will go over your belt and it felt so extremely uncomfortable. Get my drift? And to sit this straight up, writing a whole blog entry (like what I am doing right now, damn it!), you should just imagine the pain.
May be I am overreacting, but this is something going against your self. This is something detrimental to the one person I always believe I am. Fat people (by ‘fat people’ I don’t mean it to be an insult or embarrassment, it just a condition just like ‘thin people’) may say they have been living like this for years. Yes, that’s why you don’t feel a thing; you have found yourself and got comfortable with the fact. But I never knew I would ever-ever be fat.
I should be thin like a rock star (is there any fat rock star?) or heroin addict, Mark Renton thin. I can consider being vegetarian thin or a little bit on the tough side, but to have belly bulge is beyond me. Far beyond. I need to do some sit up now.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Religion: For Once, I Feel So Sure
One day, about three months ago, I have decided to keep my religious standing to myself. I have forced myself to believe that people want to hear what they wanted to hear and what they already heard so many times before.
Just to make some people happy, I obliged to keep what I think to myself and without making any uncalled statements or to question anything. I was this very sombre and very typical boy for once.
But then something struck me on the head, some realization, some monotonous nagging feeling and some optimism that says people are wilful animals. We want something to be better than it is. No matter how much we seem to have resisted the change, we need them nonetheless. It is just a matter of time. So, I will continue to say what I think, here and rather modestly, outside.
I should call this as dogmatic fear, an established fear. This fear to apply some logical thinking in the way we see religion. In fact, I tried to instill in myself to not apply logical thinking but to no avail, it would simply not make any sense to leave logic out of the door, simply outrageously impossible. So I decided keep counting in logic in my team.
Some people say that the one and only way to heaven is through their way. I didn't even try to believe, it is simply incoherent to say this. While we might have the same core values, we are not a herd of sheep, aren't we? Interpretation and definitions are definitely individualistic. We might have the same God and the same prophet, but might have many differences in matters smaller than this. Rub off your one line to heaven, I simply can't take it in.
Some people say that the new thoughts are unnecessary, the older the thoughts the better they are. It sounds acceptable at first but to think again, I would not accept this as well. How can anyone be so psyched about keeping the old thoughts? I believe that the Quran and the Sunnah are timeless but the interpretation should change in line with time. Interpretation is man-made; they are expected to not survive the test of time. Even the very evidence-based theories in physics are continuously challenged, let alone the very subtle interpretation.
Now, I am happy the way I am. Neither am I liberal nor fundamentalist. Nor muktazillan, nor sesat. I am just finding my way and enjoying the process. Like it or not.
Just to make some people happy, I obliged to keep what I think to myself and without making any uncalled statements or to question anything. I was this very sombre and very typical boy for once.
But then something struck me on the head, some realization, some monotonous nagging feeling and some optimism that says people are wilful animals. We want something to be better than it is. No matter how much we seem to have resisted the change, we need them nonetheless. It is just a matter of time. So, I will continue to say what I think, here and rather modestly, outside.
I should call this as dogmatic fear, an established fear. This fear to apply some logical thinking in the way we see religion. In fact, I tried to instill in myself to not apply logical thinking but to no avail, it would simply not make any sense to leave logic out of the door, simply outrageously impossible. So I decided keep counting in logic in my team.
Some people say that the one and only way to heaven is through their way. I didn't even try to believe, it is simply incoherent to say this. While we might have the same core values, we are not a herd of sheep, aren't we? Interpretation and definitions are definitely individualistic. We might have the same God and the same prophet, but might have many differences in matters smaller than this. Rub off your one line to heaven, I simply can't take it in.
Some people say that the new thoughts are unnecessary, the older the thoughts the better they are. It sounds acceptable at first but to think again, I would not accept this as well. How can anyone be so psyched about keeping the old thoughts? I believe that the Quran and the Sunnah are timeless but the interpretation should change in line with time. Interpretation is man-made; they are expected to not survive the test of time. Even the very evidence-based theories in physics are continuously challenged, let alone the very subtle interpretation.
Now, I am happy the way I am. Neither am I liberal nor fundamentalist. Nor muktazillan, nor sesat. I am just finding my way and enjoying the process. Like it or not.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
God, Godlessness and Freedom
God is freedom. God is the one main factor of freedom. Religion, in fact, is freedom.
I never saw anyone with greater freedom than people who believe with the deepest submission to their religion. Look at the tabligh followers with full beard and weird scent, aren't they as free as birds? Migrating from one place to another, living with no specific routine. It's like camping, except they do it everyday. And I think camping is liberating, letting go of all our beloved routine which we cling so much to and stay in a foreign land with bare necessities.
How can tabligh people survive this daily camping? How can they even want to be there in the first place? I can only see that religion is the only reason for these behaviours, and the belief should be really, really, really deep.
And these Buddhist monks with deep orange drape, don't their feet ache going slipperless and aren't they feel a little naked walking around without the undergarments? I mean, who could do that unless you really believe in their God/s.
But this guy from Fight Club says, 'Losing all hope was freedom'. They all are nihilists, aren't they? They say existence is senseless and godlessness rules, and they claim they have found freedom. And I do think they found freedom of some sort.
Come to think of it, their freedom can equalise the freedom we see from the bearded men and the monks, the freedom is otherworldly in some sense, weird for the outsiders like us but it's like second skin to them.
Probably it is not God who makes these people do what they do, probably it is just belief, either the belief in God or belief in godlessness. These beliefs ought to be so strong and powerful to get the result of freedom, no question asked, godly or nihilistic, the belief should be rock solid. So, to claim your freedom. God or no God? It's your call...
I never saw anyone with greater freedom than people who believe with the deepest submission to their religion. Look at the tabligh followers with full beard and weird scent, aren't they as free as birds? Migrating from one place to another, living with no specific routine. It's like camping, except they do it everyday. And I think camping is liberating, letting go of all our beloved routine which we cling so much to and stay in a foreign land with bare necessities.
How can tabligh people survive this daily camping? How can they even want to be there in the first place? I can only see that religion is the only reason for these behaviours, and the belief should be really, really, really deep.
And these Buddhist monks with deep orange drape, don't their feet ache going slipperless and aren't they feel a little naked walking around without the undergarments? I mean, who could do that unless you really believe in their God/s.
But this guy from Fight Club says, 'Losing all hope was freedom'. They all are nihilists, aren't they? They say existence is senseless and godlessness rules, and they claim they have found freedom. And I do think they found freedom of some sort.
Come to think of it, their freedom can equalise the freedom we see from the bearded men and the monks, the freedom is otherworldly in some sense, weird for the outsiders like us but it's like second skin to them.
Probably it is not God who makes these people do what they do, probably it is just belief, either the belief in God or belief in godlessness. These beliefs ought to be so strong and powerful to get the result of freedom, no question asked, godly or nihilistic, the belief should be rock solid. So, to claim your freedom. God or no God? It's your call...
Writing and Cinema Experience
Writing these words is like coming home, it is like being back to your bed and close your eyes and letting the air engulf you. I miss the act of writing itself, the act of sitting in the dark and typing away. I miss being this purposeless and writing my anger in a blank sheet of 'Journal Entry'.
I am in the end of the so-called one-year objective, my masters degree (God help me!). I guess it's time again to be in the dark and typing. It really feels like home.
This time, I won't try to be anything else but myself. In the sense that, I will not limit myself to certain rules of being in a particular group of people. In the sense that, I could write anything truthful of what I think even though it will go straight to people's hearts. All in good intention, not to condemn but just my thought for the better. Don't need to be all sensitive for what Azrul says, he is just this naïve guy with nice good intention to boot.
People who know me should know this, should know how harmless I can be. So don't go all tensed up and all sensitive with me, I hate that.
Sometimes when I'm writing, just like now, I feel like I'm wasting my time. When I should be doing something better, like doing 'real work', I write. But come to think of it, unlike some people, I rarely watch TV and so rarely I find anything in the cinema to be palatable so writing is my substitute.
So technically, I am in the winning side. I see people in the cinema as escapees who want to be alone with the silver screen in the dark, just them and the screen. Wrapping themselves in sounds and sight that are foreign to them. To have an unworldly experience with the help of these imaginary blasting of sound and beaming of colours on the screen. I view cinema as a lonely experience, you might not go alone but the whole experience is just to be alone in the midst of people. Couples might see this as an excuse to keep deathly quiet and to keep a little bit of their sanity.
With my keyboard and screen, I do that too. This is my imaginary field, where world revolves around me, the screen and the words. I create my field of play, I create my words and expression, the colours are in my head. Movie watching and writing satisfy you with the experiences and I should never think less of what I am doing.
This is my substitute of my movie experience. That's until I find movies with the calibre of Before Sunset, Eternal Sunshine and some say, Juno.
I am in the end of the so-called one-year objective, my masters degree (God help me!). I guess it's time again to be in the dark and typing. It really feels like home.
This time, I won't try to be anything else but myself. In the sense that, I will not limit myself to certain rules of being in a particular group of people. In the sense that, I could write anything truthful of what I think even though it will go straight to people's hearts. All in good intention, not to condemn but just my thought for the better. Don't need to be all sensitive for what Azrul says, he is just this naïve guy with nice good intention to boot.
People who know me should know this, should know how harmless I can be. So don't go all tensed up and all sensitive with me, I hate that.
Sometimes when I'm writing, just like now, I feel like I'm wasting my time. When I should be doing something better, like doing 'real work', I write. But come to think of it, unlike some people, I rarely watch TV and so rarely I find anything in the cinema to be palatable so writing is my substitute.
So technically, I am in the winning side. I see people in the cinema as escapees who want to be alone with the silver screen in the dark, just them and the screen. Wrapping themselves in sounds and sight that are foreign to them. To have an unworldly experience with the help of these imaginary blasting of sound and beaming of colours on the screen. I view cinema as a lonely experience, you might not go alone but the whole experience is just to be alone in the midst of people. Couples might see this as an excuse to keep deathly quiet and to keep a little bit of their sanity.
With my keyboard and screen, I do that too. This is my imaginary field, where world revolves around me, the screen and the words. I create my field of play, I create my words and expression, the colours are in my head. Movie watching and writing satisfy you with the experiences and I should never think less of what I am doing.
This is my substitute of my movie experience. That's until I find movies with the calibre of Before Sunset, Eternal Sunshine and some say, Juno.
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